First off, I want to wish you the best with traveling, trimming horses, your plans with donations, your trip to Washington to see your family, I hope you stick to your dreams and accomplish every goal you set for yourself.... you are the smartest man I know, with the most ambition and integrity.
You have the ability to change people's lives, show people their inner peace, and self worth because that is what you have shown me.
If I could ask you for one thing, I would ask you; even when you are on the road and doing your thing. Please keep me in your prayers and keep in contact with me, because you mean a lot to me and I talk to you on levels I can't even talk to myself on. I need your guidance I need your support. I finally found someone who will let me talk and actually listen without being judged or ignored.
My point of this letter is to tell you that you are special, you are valuable, you are a Gem.
You were put here for a reason and from previous conversations I can see you are finding your purpose and you are a taking a firm grip on life.
So don't let go or look back. Take care of the pups as well as yourself. Thank you for always being there for me and I will always be here for you no matter what. I'm just one call away. This letter has meaning to me and I am praying over this.
So I wanted to ask if you'd keep this in your wallet or in your glove box or somewhere.... so I am with you as you take these big steps in your life.
I hope this motivates you because I want to see you winning.
I love you Robby please be careful and keep me updated with what's going on.
I hate to see you go but I see a bright future for you. So you have to go for it. Just come back soon!!!!!
I'm going to miss you ? Good luck Love ya!!!!!
I do not trust myself or anyone else. Every time I have or have hoped I could trust someone it ended in tragedy and/or hurt. It is very hard to open up my heart and my true self to anyone. Over the last year I have opened up my heart a little bit, a little bit again. It is very hard to keep the walls down ( walls around my heart) for fear of being crushed or hurt or the things I have told or confessed to another human being will be used against me or thrown in my face. I do not have any true friends or connections, but I do have acquaintances that I am fond of, but no real connection with anyone.
I have been searching for something. I have felt there is something more to this seemingly retched life. No one I have talked to has any clue. I have prayed, I am not sure who to pray to, I think they are all fake, but I feel something much bigger out there. Sometimes I get a response or a feeling.
I have experienced so many tragedies I wonder that is all there is. I expect tragedy to just be around the corner. More than likely that is all I know how to create. Sometimes that is all I think I deserve. I do experience times of Joy, happiness, peace and calm. I know it is possible but, just out of my reach.
I try to help people in hopes of helping myself. I have and I am discovering nobody really wants help (healing), they just want to feel better. It is only temporary.
My self-realization and it is being pointed out that I am the common denominator or the cause of all my hurts and tragedies in my life. I have no words how that feels or the effects it has on my whole being I know how to destroy; unfortunately I am very good at it. I know how to push people to the breaking point and away.
Can I unlearn this? I blame others, but deep down I know better. I want to do better. I want to heal.
Am I worthy or do or do I deserve the hell I have created for myself and others? Subconsciously and maybe even consciously I self sabotage. When I feel and see myself screwing up (saying or doing something I know I should not say or do) it is like watching a scene in a movie. I cannot stop myself, just witness in horror.
I beat and punish myself for it. Sometimes I can step back and ask myself why and actually answer and see why. I might even learn a lesson from it. Most of the time beat myself up over it.
I have thought about suicide and even sat there with a gun, "Just make it stop!". I know there is an afterlife. I know/ have been shown and even experienced what Hell is really like without a body (meat suit) to express myself. I have even seriously thought about killing my soul It is the same as taking another life. I guess I am just looking for an easy way. The carnage I would leave behind stops me. I have no right to hurt the people I love and care about like that.
So, how do I turn this around? I know I am here to help and heal. I have to heal me before I can help or heal anyone else. Why am I having such a hard time doing just that? Fear, Anger, Hurt and Trust.
Do I trust myself to do what needs to be done?
No! just look at my record and history. Somehow I will screw it up, just to prove to myself, what?
I Need to Turn this Ship Around!!!
Days after this letter was written, Jenny's ex husband sat here at the table and read what She had written. It was quite the experience for Him, This opened doors of Connected Communication between them and their 20-year-old son, who was also positively affected. It has been weeks now since this and the letters that inspired Jenny's letter were written.